I’m Not Really Sorry, I’m Just Shrinking Myself to Avoid Conflict

You’ve seen the woman in the meeting who asks "sorry, can I just say something real quick?" before sharing the idea that saves the whole project. She bumps into a chair and apologizes in case the sound was offensive to someone. She starts emails with "So sorry to bother you…” when she is, in fact, not sorry and also not bothering anyone.

"I'm sorry" has become the linguistic equivalent of making yourself small to diffuse any perceived offensive behavior. In psychology speak, this is called “preemptive shrinking” or “a social buffer”. It’s a reflex so baked into women’s behavior, they don't hear themselves doing it anymore¹ and it's not a personality quirk, it's a deeply ingrained survival strategy.

Let’s talk about it.

Here's the deal: women are socialized from childhood to smooth social friction at their own expense.² The apology isn't about remorse, it’s armor. It's a way of saying I know I'm taking up space, please don't punish me for it. It's conflict-avoidance dressed up as politeness, and it's costing you more than you realize.³

Research consistently shows that women apologize significantly more than men because they have a lower threshold for what counts as an offense in the first place.⁴ We've been trained to treat our own presence as a potential inconvenience.

That ends this week.

It’s Time For An Apology Fast

This isn't about becoming someone who mows people down without looking back (like I have been known to do. Guilty). Real apologies do matter! If you genuinely hurt someone, own it.

This is about noticing the apologies that aren't apologies. You know what I’m talking about: the apologies that are simply you announcing your presence and hoping that's okay with everyone.⁵ Those are the type of apologies we're cutting.

Give it seven days and see what changes. No willpower or checklist required, just start noticing your behavior.

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The 7-Day Apology Fast

Day 1

Don't change anything yet. Just tally every “sorry” you say out loud, every "just checking in" email opener, every "does that make sense?" at the end of a sentence that made perfect sense.

Tonight: how many times did you apologize today? How many were real apologies?

Day 2

Open your email sent folder and notice how many start with "Sorry to bother you," "I know you’re busy, but…," or "Apologies if this is a silly question".

Start with what you want to say. The rest is noise.

Day 3

When you feel the urge to apologize for taking space in a meeting, in a conversation, in line at the coffee shop, swap it for "Excuse me". No permission slip required.

Notice how long the silence feels. It's shorter than you think.

Day 4

Today you will probably swallow an apology and it will feel uncomfortable, like wearing shoes on the wrong feet. That discomfort is years of conditioning telling you that you owe someone an apology for existing. You don't.

What does it feel like to just let the moment pass?

Day 5

Some of your “sorries” are standing in for something else: "Excuse me," "Thank you for waiting," "I need a minute." Practice saying the actual thing. Precision over apology.

What were you actually trying to say when you apologized?

Day 6

Today, notice how many times the women around you apologize for taking up space. You're not judging them, you're observing what you've been doing for years. It's easier to spot once you have awareness

What would you say to her if you knew her well enough?

Day 7

Write one sentence explaining when you actually owe someone an apology and use it as your internal filter from now on. Real remorse has value but reflexive smallness costs you everything.

Example: “I reserve my apologies for moments that matter, not when my presence causes inconvenience or my opinion causes discomfort. Having a voice is not an offense.”

Post it somewhere you'll see it.

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What You'll Notice by Day 7

You'll realize the apology was never about being sorry. It was about making yourself easier for other people to be around and less likely to be resented for having needs, opinions, or a voice that takes up actual air.⁶

You were trained for this from a young age.⁷ The good news is that conditioning can be interrupted without a ridiculous 10-step morning routine. Just keep noticing, repeatedly, until the noticing becomes a reflex of its own.

Taking up space is not an offense. The goal isn't to stop apologizing, but to recognize when you apologize for existing.

Before You Go

I'm building a space for women who are done performing, both at home and  in the boardroom. If you enjoyed this article, I invite you to stick around and join my community of fierce women.

I encourage you to subscribe to The Fierce Weekly Edit.  Every Sunday, I write rebel wellness topics that call out the systems that keep us small and exhausted and offer small acts of non-compliance to break free (so you can find your fierce!). It will include the behind-the scenes series Tales From the River and include whatever settled my nervous system that week; a recipe, a book, a walk by the river. t's where you get to know the woman behind the brand, in the vintage RV parked next to a river.

And if you feel like leaving a comment down below, I welcome it. You might encourage or inspire another reader who is struggling and needs to know she is not alone.

Stay fierce, 

Melissa

Sources

1. Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. William Morrow, 1990.

2. Babcock, Linda, and Sara Laschever. Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide. Princeton University Press, 2003.

3. Schumann, Karina, and Michael Ross. "Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior." Psychological Science 21, no. 11 (2010): 1649–1655.

4. Ibid.

5. Headlee, Celeste. Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving. Harmony Books, 2020.

6. Solnit, Rebecca. Men Explain Things to Me. Haymarket Books, 2014.

7. Orenstein, Peggy. Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. Harper, 2016.