Is It Really Anxiety? Or Burnout From Running Everyone’s Life?
If you’re like most women over 40, anxiety is the background music of our lives.
Have you searched “why am I so exhausted all the time” in the dark after everyone has gone to bed, only to get results that tell you you need to 1) get better organized (morning routine!), 2) adopt a positive mindset (think your way happy!) and 3) sleep more (if only it were possible)?
Do you feel gaslit by those results? Like no one gets you? Do you feel like every response is suggesting the reason for your burnout is a YOU problem that can be fixed with productivity hack checklists and saying nice things to yourself in the mirror? I know what you might be thinking: she’s bashing mainstream wellness. And you’d be correct. Surface-level platitudes do not apply to the level of burnout you’re living with. The deep in your bones type of tired that no amount of sleep helps. The “why don’t I feel like myself anymore” kind of tired.
What if the reason for your burnout comes from a deeper, underlying system that quietly runs our lives? What if we’re burned out and exhausted because we live like our time belongs to everyone else?
Do you give your time away for free and keep giving even when you have nothing left to give? Do you believe exhaustion is just the price women pay to keep everything running (because no one else will do it)?
I hear you because I am you. And on this blog, I share what I learned from experience, education and clinical training so I can guide women like you toward clarity about the invisible social contracts secretly running our lives (you can take the quiz at the end!)
Our Lives Are Not Our Own
Women’s schedules are not our own, they are determined by the expectations and the needs of everyone else in our orbit. We run our lives according to that guilt-coated to-do list that forever regenerates new heads like a hydra. Cut off one head and three more pop up.
You’re so busy tending to your to-do list and trying to keep everyone happy, you’re still folding laundry at midnight so everyone has clean underwear in the morning because you know if you don’t, some of your family members will turn their underwear inside and rewear them. And we can’t have that, what would the paramedics think? They’d think you’re a bad woman, that’s what you think they’d think.
Sadly, running on empty feels so normal when you’ve been overfunctioning forever. But lately, it feels different and the anxiety you’ve been calling responsibility is making you question your sanity.
“You’re the one who keeps the wheels on the bus, and then you act surprised when the bus runs over you.”
What Anxiety Really Is
The mainstream wellness world will have you believe that anxiety is a personal defect, as I mentioned earlier. It’s proof that you can’t deal with reality. You’re weak. Undisciplined. Unworthy.
But what anxiety really is is a predictable, biological response to living in chronic mental overload.
So reducing anxiety, then, isn’t just about green tea and pretty planners with cute stickers because you first have to reduce the mental load.
You’re 2 minutes away from learning the reason behind your exhaustion.
If you've been wondering why mainstream wellness advice never works, it’s because it wasn’t meant for women like you. This quiz will identify why your exhaustion makes complete sense once you can finally see it clearly.
Are You A “High-Functioning” Woman?
Firstly, I hate that term because all women are high-functioning or high-achieving or whatever the trending coach babble term of the week is. Women have no choice but to be high-functioning. And those terms are sneaky because they masquerade as “highly capable” which sounds like a compliment (it isn’t) when what they really mean is overfunctioning: you’re the one who always remembers, fixes, anticipates, smooths over and plans everything for other capable adults.
When your brain believes it’s responsible for everything and everyone all the freaking time, it will stay on high alert, all tabs open, scanning for problems and anticipating potential disastrous outcomes. That’s what women do, right? Anticipate the worst at all times? Someone could possibly get thirsty, hungry, cold, hot, wet, mad, lost, hurt, kidnapped, abducted by aliens or forget their phone charger, so we prepare for all scenarios for each person every time they leave the house.
“When you’re constantly overfunctioning, your body does what bodies do when they reach capacity: they stop giving.”
All of this tracking and fixing will keep you so occupied that you don’t have the time to ask the terrifying question: “Is this life actually working for me?”
The enemy of your anxiety is the unquestioned overfunctioning, the automatic yes and the reflexive fixing everything for everyone else all the time, even without being asked.
It is also the belief that rest is earned and peace is optional. Calm is what happens when your life stops fighting your nervous system. Calm does not happen, however, because you are popping Ashwagandha supplements like candy and ugly crying in the Target parking lot before pushing through to your next obligation.
If you’re wondering why everything feels like too much, read this next: Overwhelmed, Not Broken: Why Exhausted Women Hit a Wall.
Three Ways to Reduce Anxiety Without Turning Into a Wellness Robot
I hate lists, so I’m not giving you “8 Ways to Reduce Anxiety” nonsense to tape on your fridge. Here are three moves that actually lowers anxiety based on work I have done with clients:
1) Cut the load
For the next seven days, you’re not allowed to “just squeeze in” one more thing or one more person. No errands, no last-minute favors and no voluntary chaos that someone else started and expects you to finish, not even if it’s your mom, not even if it’s the Pope. If it’s not necessary to keep someone from dying, it’s not happening.
Try this: when a new request comes in, practice this buffer phrase, “I’ll think about it”. How’s that for a passive aggressive escape hatch? It literally gives you time and space to consider whether doing the thing they asked you for fits your capacity. But do not be afraid to say “no, I don’t have the capacity to help you with that” and mean it. And don’t follow with an apology, you have nothing to be sorry for!
2) Choose one priority so your brain stops spinning
Your mind cannot calm down when you believe everything is urgent.
So today, pick one priority. Not “top three” and don’t tell me “these six are all equally important.” One. Then watch your world NOT fall apart.
You will build the day around that one thing. Everything else becomes optional, movable, delegated, delayed, or deleted. This is essentialism is action: reducing the mental load so you can see clearly and focus on what is important to you.
Here’s the magic: when you stop treating everything like it deserves VIP access to your attention, you start to feel the burden lighten. The tightness in your chest reduces. You might start to think maybe I can do this after all (you can).
If you would like to learn more about how Essentialism can help reduce overwhelm, check out this article: Essentialism:The Art of Focussing on What Really Matters
3) Remove the “shoulds”
“Should” is toxic. It sounds responsible, but it often means, “I’m afraid of what people will think if I don’t.”
Should keeps you in obligations you secretly resent out of guilt instead of by choice. It keeps your nervous system on alert because your life is full of things you don’t want in your life and that leads to dread.
Instead of “I should,” ask yourself: “What is my standard here?”
Your standard might be:
I don’t attend events I dread
I don’t keep commitments that cost me my peace.
I don’t say yes when my body says no.
Standards create calm because they remove negotiation from the situation and they make your choices easier.
And when your choices get easier, your anxiety level dips.
See how that works?
““Shoulds” are guilt dressed up as responsibility”
Before You Go
So by now, you should see that what is going to help reduce friction is not a to-do list for your to-do list, it’s fewer obligations and ownership of your peace and your time.
Before you go, let me ask you: what’s one “normal” thing in your life that secretly spikes your anxiety, and what would it look like to set a standard around it instead of pushing through?
If this article spoke to you or answered questions you don’t have answers to, leave me a comment below, I respond to every comment. You might inspire other women who are struggling.
Melissa
